My sentipensante reflection for last week's pedagogical practice comes in the form of a free write/stream of consciousness. These are the thoughts that went through my head on our walk.
They really make sure that when we learn we do it far away from our mothers. Not only the women who gave birth to us whose image is drawn as homemaker, caretaker, retail worker. Anything but college student. We're also far from the earth, the sky, the moon- the mothers who gave birth to my soul/spirit/intuition/sense of well being. Five flights of stairs before that cold evening air hit my face! Well, cold for me. I've been in Southern California my whole life. I do not remember my 4 year long middle American upbringing in Omaha.
The palm tress, no doubt envied by those enduring the east coast storms look like theater props set up against a Los Angeles colored sky. I miss my old neighborhood in East Hollywood. I am reminded of the performance of life. The parts we play changing from one production to the next. Graduate student in San Diego, single working girl in LA, sister/daughter/auntie in the pacific northwest. The fake looking reality of those palm tress bring this awareness, this conocimiento to life.
Letting go of this train of thought, I become more aware of the presence of plants and tress and grass pushing up against the concrete of the university. People must need nature, otherwise why would the richies who designed and built this place include so much of it? I wasn't allowed to dwell in this place of conscious reflection for long. I became strikingly aware of how tired I was and instantly anxious about how much work I needed to get done before I could rest my bodymindspirit-- hopefully some time before midnight.* I am distraught. The nature and senses are shoved aside and I walk aimlessly. I stumble across the "Friendship Garden."
In front of the Communications building, the Friendship Garden is lined with succulents, cacti, and other desert plants. I'd never seen it before (perhaps its new--the plants were babies after all). I have made many friends at SDSU, even talked with them in this very spot. But in the moment I felt a particular yearning for the people in my life separate from my academic career. These people have seen me at my worse. The most real times where I let down my guard of confidence, intelligence, and critical analysis to be scared, weak, wounded. I am touched that these friends have loved me despite my Surrender and I am proud that I've had the courage to offer that part of myself to the world. I want to bring that realness to the classroom. I will work to embrace my bodymindspirit in all things that I do. Isolation kills after all. Compartmentalization has no place in nature. Life is a cycle, a circle, the good kind of System. I want to be part of the performance, even if it takes five flights of stairs to get there.
*I stayed up until 3am that night working on assignments!
PS: thank you Irene and Vivian for the opportunity to reflect.